I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
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*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
im 7 sauces long
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
#SCOTUS one-star review
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
That’s not how days work.