funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
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[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.