Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
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Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Same pineapple, same
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.