My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
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I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
That’s incredible! 👌
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.