Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
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[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉