Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
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Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
who named him groot and not spruce lee
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.