They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
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“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I put the h in mysterious.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
good for her
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.