Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
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“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings