Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
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Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
peak technology
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
*puts words between two asterisks*
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting