I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
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Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit