If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
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That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.