Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
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You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Breaking news:
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.