*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
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That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops