[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
You Might Also Like
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Social distancing in Australia:
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles