My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
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me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀