ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
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Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.