*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
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Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water