“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
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Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
(Electricians.)
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet