How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
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Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball