Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
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If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
😂😂
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one