Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
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Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
lmfao
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans