An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
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Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds