Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
You Might Also Like
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.