Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
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Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
saw this in a dream
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows