Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
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judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
My life in a nutshell
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
When you can’t find your friend Neil
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit