She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
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My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.