I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
You Might Also Like
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Dead sexy!!
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.