I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
You Might Also Like
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
me refusing to leave twitter
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.