Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
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Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.