{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
You Might Also Like
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣