If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
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Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
“That’s what” – She
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.