Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
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I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
im 7 sauces long
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”