Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
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A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
How dramatic are you?
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.