No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
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Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
it must be school picture day
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?