every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
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How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.