Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
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[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake