me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
You Might Also Like
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I bought jalapeƱo chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
š¤Æš¤Æš¤Æ
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for āchoking hazardsā instead
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now šš
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, heās been gettinā jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Doc Brown: āRoads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roadsā
Me working from home: āPants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pantsā
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, āIām too young to be pregnantā.
Let the reader understand; Iām weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.