The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
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Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards