Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
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This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out