Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
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If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Saint West, the patron of selfies
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
sry
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
This could be us but you eatin’
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this