Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
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An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.