If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
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I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege