Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
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When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
🍞🦆
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving