[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
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Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
i actually laughed 😩
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.