I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
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*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
it must be school picture day
Still cracks me up
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao