A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
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Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I really had high hopes for this year though
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.