Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
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me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
This line from Airplane.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕