Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
You Might Also Like
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
this isn’t threatening at all
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle