*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
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My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Every photo I’m tagged in
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…