I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
You Might Also Like
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Good morning, Twitter x
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Super Hand Dog Face
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.